


Expect The Unexpected

by alkjira



Series: What To Expect [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: A Cat Which May Or May Not Be Magical, Alternate Universe - No Durins Died At BoFA, Alternate Universe - No One Ring, Crack, Hamsters, Life When You've Had a Baby With A Dwarven King and Are Expecting Once Again, M/M, Mpreg, Very Little Sanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 00:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1284628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Just when you didn't think it would get more cracky.</em><br/><em></em><br/>“We’re going to have another baby?” Thorin asked, still looking more than a fair bit stunned. “You are with child?”</p><p>"Yes!” Bilbo exclaimed, feeling a sudden sense of horrible déjà vu. He was not going to throttle his husband. He would not going to let Della grow up without her Papa even if Thorin was thicker than-</p>
            </blockquote>





	Expect The Unexpected

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry (no I'm not).
> 
> If you've not read the first two stories, do it first! Not only because it will explain things, but if you didn't like them, you are probably not going to like this one either.

When Bilbo told Thorin that they would become parents again, he really hadn’t expected the shocked look on his husband’s face, nor the question of if he was _really_ sure.  
  
Hadn’t they already gone through this process the first time around? Della had had her first birthday a few weeks ago, and wasn’t she the irrefutable proof that he was able to have children? If Dwarfs suffered from some sort of amnesia that meant that he had to explain everything all over again he was going to need to put _himself_ in the dungeons as to not murder someone.  
  
Trying not to fall into the pit of frustration and despair, Bilbo took a deep breath and calmly informed his husband that yes, he was quite sure.  
  
“I wouldn’t have told you if I wasn’t sure,” Bilbo huffed. (Okay, ‘calmly’ might have been an exaggeration.)  
  
“We’re going to have another baby?” Thorin asked, still looking more than a fair bit stunned. “You are with child?”

“Yes!” Bilbo exclaimed, feeling a sudden sense of horrible déjà vu. He was _not_ going to throttle his husband. He would not going to let Della grow up without her Papa even if Thorin _was_ thicker than-

The next moment Bilbo was being snogged within an inch of his life, and his hands flailed awkwardly before settling on Thorin’s shoulders. His feet didn’t exactly flail, but they floundered a bit as they left the floor.

“You,” Thorin informed him between kisses. “Are amazing. Extraordinary. Astonishing.”  
  
“I’m just pregnant?”

“Just preg-“ Thorin shook his head and gently put him back down again. “It’s just over a year since Della’s birth, and you are with child again. That’s unheard of. When Kíli was born only five years after Fíli…” Large warm hands came up to frame Bilbo’s face as Thorin pressed kisses to his cheeks and nose. “I never thought something like that would happen in my lifetime, and now this.”  
  
One of Thorin’s hand slid down to gently rest against Bilbo’s stomach, thumb rubbing reverently over the fabric of Bilbo’s shirt.

Bilbo was somewhat at a loss for something to say. His mind was trying to pull back from the line of thinking that led to ‘ _my husband is an idiot’_ and instead making the switch over to ‘ _Dwarfs are strange_ ’, and it was possible that most of the difficulties arose from how those two thoughts so often had been connected in the past.

At least it didn’t seem as if he’d need to convince Thorin that he really was with child this time around. That was a relief.  
  
“I’m going to have a statue made in your honour,” Thorin breathed.  
  
Or perhaps it was too soon to be relieved.  
  
- _  
_  
“Well, it’s too early for me to tell regarding a wee one,” Óin concluded. “But you’re certainly healthy enough.” The healer grinned. “And since you were right the first time, my congrats to you, lad. And to Thorin of course.”  
  
“Thank you,” Bilbo said, pulling his tunic down over his still normally rounded stomach. “I’m sure Thorin will be by later to try and convince you to convince me that bed rest is a brilliant way to spend the next six months or so. Please don’t even pretend to agree with him, it just encourages him.”  
  
Óin snorted out a laugh. “I promise. How far long do you think you are then?”  
  
“Something like two months,” Bilbo nodded. “I realised around Della’s birthday that I might be with child again, but I didn’t want to say anything before I was certain.”  
  
“And just _how_ are you certain, lad?” Óin scratched his beard thoughtfully. “I never asked last time, Thorin made it clear that we were not to upset you with too many questions. But if you’re just a couple of months along, you can’t have had any missed bleedings yet.”

Bilbo stared blankly at Óin. “ _Bleedings_?”  
  
Óin didn’t really notice the uncomprehending stare that he was receiving and instead continued with his musings.  
  
“I didn’t notice that you had to deal with such a thing on the way to Erebor either mind, and it should have happened at least once, but you are a terribly private little thing, so I figured you dealt with it like you did bathing.”  
  
“There’s nothing wrong about not wanting to get undressed in public,” Bilbo defended. “And what you lot got up to in Rivendell was simply disgraceful. But what do you mean about _bleedings_?”  
  
“It’s how you know there’s not a wee one on his or her way,” Óin said. “Well, usually if you’re a male that’s how you know, but-“  
  
“You _bleed_?”  
  
“Well, _I_ don’t.”  
  
“No, but-“ Bilbo frowned. “Wait, _where_ do you bleed from?”  
  
“I told you, _I_ don’t bleed.”

-  
  
When Bilbo next saw Dís he made sure to give her a big hug.  
  
“You poor thing,” he murmured into her shoulder, gently petting what he could reach of her hair. Like her brother, she was a bit too tall to be entirely convenient. “I thought the morning sickness was bad enough.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” Dís asked, hesitantly hugging him back. “Is everything okay?”  
  
“You’re such a brave, incredible person,” Bilbo sighed. “You and every female Dwarf who have ever lived. Thorin should make a statue of _you_.” The Hobbit frowned. “Well, I’m sure it _could_ be done tastefully, even considering the subject of child birth. And bleeding from- Don’t worry, I’ll have a word with him.”  
  
“What? Bilbo, I don’t-“ Dís let out a soft sound of surprise. “Wait, morning sickness? Child birth? Can you- Are you and Thorin expecting again?”  
  
“Yes,” Bilbo confirmed as he continued to pet Dís’ dark hair. “But-“  
  
Dís lifted him off his feet in a bear hug worthy of Beorn, lifting Bilbo even higher than Thorin had done that morning but the Hobbit took it in a stride and kept petting her hair.  
  
His conversation with Óin had been terribly enlightening.  
  
To bleed out of your private parts when you weren’t pregnant, and to throw up when you were, and not being certain to be able to have a baby when you wanted one, but also with the possibility to ending up with one when you weren’t ready. Dwarfs _really_ were the extraordinary ones as far as Bilbo was concerned. Strange, yes, but extraordinary nonetheless.  
  
He’d been so sure that Dwarfs would have the same sort of herbal remedies that Hobbits did, to hinder or help a babe to seed, but apparently that had been extremely silly of him. He didn’t really know much about the ones that would _help_ as they so rarely were needed, but Óin had been so very grateful for the tiny scraps of information Bilbo could share, and now Bilbo felt _horrible_ not to have brought the subject up earlier.  
  
He’d known that Dwarfs didn’t get with child as easily as Hobbits did, and now he definitely knew that it didn’t happen as often either, but he’d thought that was _with_ the knowledge of those herbs.  
  
He was a _horrible_ royal consort. But now he would write to the Thain and Thorin could make sure someone stopped by the Shire to gather the herbs and talk to someone who actually knew what they were talking about. And if there was something that could be fixed, they would fix it, because he should have known that Dwarfs would be absolutely lost when it came to herbs. Most of them were like Ori after all, thinking that green things were only slightly less evil than they thought Elves were.  
  
“I’m going to be an auntie again!” Dís cheered, all smiling eyes and white teeth and Bilbo sniffed, burying his face into her hair. Instantly he was returned to the ground again and gentle hands tilted his face up. “Bilbo, is something wrong with you or the babe? Della? Thorin?”  
  
“I’m going to tell Thorin he is ranked at the bottom of that list,” Bilbo said with a slightly wobbly smile. Everyone had been thrilled about Della’s birth, and not just because she was Thorin’s daughter but because she was _someone’s_ daughter. Babes were of course greeted with happiness and feasts in the Shire as well, but now Bilbo thought he should have realised just the level of awe the Dwarfs had for children and figured out what it meant. By the Valar, no one had as much as protested when Thorin had baby-proofed the entire _mountain_.  
  
“He’d not have himself higher,” Dís said with a small shrug. “Now tell me, what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong,” Bilbo said, which was true, if not the whole truth. “I’m just-“  
  
“A little emotional?” Dís suggested, cuddling him close without waiting for an answer.  
  
As she was no longer lifting him, the cuddling meant that his face was more or less pressed between her breasts but Bilbo didn’t feel like mentioning that this wasn’t perhaps entirely appropriate.  
  
Dís’ hugs were always warm and comfortable and just what he needed. And her chest was very soft as she didn’t wear nearly as much armour as Thorin did, so Bilbo reached up and started petting her hair again.  
  
He would really need to talk to Thorin about a statue.  
  
-  
  
They compromised by having no statues.  
  
-  
  
Fíli and Kíli took the news about the babe with the calm and dignity you would expect from two princes of the line of Durin.  
  
“Kíli, get down from the bookcase! Fíli, stop encouraging him!”  
  
“Woo! I’m going to have another cousin!”  
  
-  
  
The rest of the Company didn’t start to make new lists of baby names. Because they’d not thrown away the old ones.  
  
“I’m still not understanding what you’ve got against Fragh.”

“Bofur don’t make me throw you in the dungeons again.”  
  
-  
  
“Darling, I thought it might be good to get a pet for Della.”  
  
“Of course,” Thorin said absently. He was braiding Bilbo’s hair into a multitude of tiny plaits that would be a nightmare to unravel again, but if it pleased Thorin (and for some reason it really did) Bilbo was willing to sit still and suffer through both the braiding and the frizzy nightmare that would be the un-braiding. Even if the braiding happened just before bedtime and as such was doubly useless as no one would even see the braids but Thorin. And maybe Della if she woke up during the night, but his daughter didn't really care one way or another.  
  
“But what is a ‘pet’, dear one?”  
  
 _Right_.  
  
-  
  
“You wish her to have a rodent?”  
  
“A _hamster_ ,” Bilbo said.  
  
“But you said rat.”  
  
“No, I actually said that is was rather like a _mouse_.”  
  
“Still a rodent,” Thorin declared. He secured the last braid and pressed a kiss to Bilbo’s ear before rising from the settee. With a small yawn he began to undress for bed, and Bilbo tried not to let himself be distracted by the ever dwindling amount of clothes that his husband was wearing.  
  
Della was already tucked away in her own bed, sleeping since several hours as the hour was fairly late, and no one would disturb them before morning. Plenty of time to both explain what a hamster was and _then_ ravish his husband.  
  
“ _Like_ a mouse,” Bilbo protested. “Not actually a mouse.”  
  
“And the purpose of this rodent-“  
  
“Hamster.”  
  
“…hamster would be what?”  
  
“Well, all children could do with an animal companion,” Bilbo explained as Thorin’s trousers came off. “It’s, very, um, lovely, I mean helpful to learn about responsibility.”  
  
“I’ve never needed that.”  
  
No, but Bilbo would prefer to start a little smaller than what Thorin had gone through. A hamster seemed a good first step compared to: a dragon invades - congratulations, you’re now directly responsible for your people’s survival.  
  
“It’s very common for young Hobbits to have a pet," he said instead.

Thorin smirked. “I still say that your explanation of the concept makes you my pet. Something small and fluffy to pet and cuddle, love and take care of.”  
  
“That wasn’t particularly funny the first time either, darling,” Bilbo said drily.

“Why a hamster then?”  
  
The truth was that he’d seen some children in Dale playing with them, and apart from dogs they were the only pets he’d seen since leaving the Shire. And you simply couldn’t have a dog inside a mountain.

“It’s small and gentle, and even if I don’t think she should be allowed to handle it on her own, it’ll be good for her to learn that there are even smaller things in the world than her that you’d need to be careful with.”

Bilbo leaned into Thorin as his husband joined him on the settee once more.  
  
“So it’s to do with the babe then?” Thorin said, gently stroking his hand over Bilbo’s stomach.

“Not only about him or her,” Bilbo said with a small sigh. “But yes, I probably wouldn’t have suggested it otherwise. It’s not uncommon for children to be very jealous about new siblings.” Bilbo waited for half-a-beat to see if any protests would be forthcoming, but apparently this was something shared between their two races. “I think it might help if she had something that was only hers. And Bofur or Fíli can help her take care of it even if we’re busy with the newest little one.”  
  
“I can’t help but notice how my youngest nephew wasn’t mentioned,” Thorin said with a small chuckle. “But you trust him with our daughter?”

“A hamster is a great deal smaller than Della,” Bilbo explained. “And Kíli has a tendency to lose small things.”  
  
This was actually the main reason Kíli’s hair was so seldom braided. Beads, bands and everything to decorate it vanished along with most other things smaller than a walnut. Bilbo expected that somewhere inside a mountain there lived a creature who collected all these things as treasure. It seemed to be the only rational explanation. A hamster was bigger than a walnut, true, but why take the chance.

“She’s so young still,” Bilbo continued. “So we’d be the ones taking care of it, or Bofur or Fíli I guess. Or maybe Nori can do it since I’m sure he skulks around on a daily basis.”  
  
No reply came from the wardrobe or any other piece of furniture, which hopefully meant that their resident spy had decided to lurk his way home for the evening. This suited the plan of ravishing very well.  
  
“But it’d still be something that was hers, something she could help with and something she could learn from.”  
  
Thorin rested his head on top of Bilbo’s, pulling the blond closer to him.

“I assume it won’t take over the mountain and nest in the treasure chambers?”  
  
“No,” Bilbo snorted. “I don’t see that as a possible outcome. At most it’ll try and nest in the kitchens.”  
  
“Then I have no objections.”  
  
“I’ll sort out the details then,” Bilbo said, turning his head to press a kiss to Thorin’s shoulder. And while in the general area he pressed one to Thorin’s collar bone, shifting to press one in the middle of his chest, moving further down. Bilbo was just squirming out from beneath Thorin’s arm to be able to reach properly when-

“You shouldn’t kneel on the floor in your condition,” Thorin said worriedly. “Let me.”  
  
“Darling, I’ve months left before that’s even an issue. I wanted-“ Bilbo shook his head. “Never mind, let’s go to the bed then.”  
  
You had to pick your battles. And Thorin coming undone against the sheets was a perfectly lovely sight, and indeed easier on the knees regardless of Thorin was an overprotective worrywart or not.  
  
-  
  
Della was a little too young to help pick the name of the newest addition to the family. The hamster that was. Chances were that it would either be called ‘Elves’, ‘Dada’ or ‘Papa’ and neither of those would be terribly convenient. (And the first one would make the vein in Thorin’s forehead throb worryingly.) But perhaps it had been a mistake to let Fíli and Kíli help.  
  
“Thorn?” Bilbo asked.  
  
“Well, he can’t have a stupid name,” Kíli explained. “Like Petal or something like that. We wanted a name that everyone would like.”  
  
“And _plants_ have thorns!” Fíli said triumphantly. “So it’s a plant and a weapon both.”  
  
“It’s a hamster,” Bilbo said drily, gently rubbing the pad of his finger over one tiny little dark ear.

“ _He_ ’s a hamster,” Kíli corrected. “You said he was a male.”  
  
“Will it get another name if I change my mind?”  
  
Fíli and Kíli looked at each other. “Well, our second suggestion would have been Conkers,” Fíli offered. “You said that was a weapon? When we first met, and I asked Bard and apparently it’s a chestnut? And he’s a really dark brown, but still brown, so-”  
  
“Thorn it is then,” Bilbo said with a small sigh as he picked up the hamster. “What do you say about that?”  
  
The newly dubbed Thorn wrinkled his pastel pink nose, but didn’t make any other objections and so it was decided.  
  
-  
  
“Sweetheart, you’re not meant to wear your dinner,” Bilbo scolded gently as Della tried to smear a handful of mashed carrot into her curls.

“Boo,” Della complained when he dried her hand on the towel that was ever present during mealtimes. “Papa?”

“Your papa will be here soon. He just-“ needed to sort out a dispute between the Miner’s Guild and the Jeweller’s Guild about something or other having to do with the silver prices. Which seemed to be a terribly complicated thing to explain to his one year old daughter. “He’s talking to some nice people about how to get along even better.”  
  
Della made a bubbly sound that seemed to indicate that she approved.  
  
“Indeed,” Bilbo nodded. “But he’ll be home as soon as he can. And then we have a surprise for you.”  
  
This wasn’t met with any particular enthusiasm, but then again, Bilbo wasn’t sure that his daughter had yet come to recognize the word ‘surprise’, though he had no doubt that she would. With cousins like Fíli and Kíli it would be a much needed survival technique.  
  
-  
  
“Della, this is Thorn.”  
  
Della, sitting on the floor with Bilbo and Thorin, looked at the hamster Bilbo held in his cupped hands, and the hamster looked back. She slowly reached out with a chubby fist and Bilbo was prepared to intervene if it looked like it would latch onto Thorn’s dark fur and pull.  
  
But instead she clumsily patted the hamster on the head. “Oh?”  
  
“Yes, Thorn,” Bilbo smiled. Thorn sniffed at Della’s hand and Bilbo again prepared to intervene if it would show that the hamster was the nibbling sort, but he just sniffed and then made Della burst out in a fit of giggles when he squirmed out of Bilbo’s hands and scurried up into her lap.  
  
“I’d say this could work out very well.” Bilbo smiled at Thorin who still looked a bit sceptical, but not overly much.  
  
“I still don’t understand the purpose of having an animal that has _no_ purpose.”  
  
“Pets do have a purpose,” Bilbo argued. “That purpose is just not farming or riding.”  
  
“Or eating I assume,” Thorin said drily. “Eating _them_ I mean. That little thing wouldn’t even be a mouthful. Did you have one when you were a child?”  
  
“No, but the neighbour’s children had one,” Bilbo said. “Thorn is a bit bigger though, almost the size of a guinea pig.”  
  
“A what now?”  
  
“Never mind, darling.”  
  
-

They did run into a bit of a snag with the hamster when it turned out that he wasn’t all that fond of Thorin. Bilbo couldn’t understand _why_ as he seemed to get along splendidly with Della, he had no objections when Bilbo handled him, and it couldn’t be the Dwarf thing either because he was very fond of Dwalin and Balin, and in particular their beards. And while he was a bit more reserved with Fíli and Kíli he didn’t mind when they wanted to play with him.  
  
But when Thorin tried to pick him up he either protested or just went limp and grumpy.

Clearly it could have been worse, and Thorin didn’t particularly mind either since that meant that he more often than not wouldn’t need to clean the cage Bofur had made for Thorn, claiming that the hamster's territory should be respected, and not invaded by someone who was not a friend.  
  
Instead Thorin used that time to make lists of what foods that would be good for Bilbo and the babe to have, as well as further ways to baby proof the mountain; for example by having all jewels sorted according to if they had sharp edges or not, ignoring how neither Della nor the babe would go anywhere near them.  
  
Still, Bilbo had hoped Thorin would see the benefits of having a pet, and those benefits didn’t really come when you and said pet didn’t get along. But as it turned out, all hope was not lost.  
  
-

“I’ve a surprise for you!” Kíli beamed and before Bilbo knew it he had his arms full of something soft and… purring?  
  
Bilbo looked down at the orange tabby who blinked slowly up at him with golden eyes and purred even louder. “Kíli, we can’t have a cat. It would eat Thorn.”  
  
“But you said he wasn’t a mouse?”  
  
“No, but I don’t think this one here cares much for titles.” Somehow the cat purred even louder at that, almost vibrating in Bilbo’s arms.  
  
“But he’s adorable,” Kíli pouted.  
  
“Where did you find him?” Bilbo asked. “He certainly seems friendly, maybe he already belongs to someone?”  
  
“Oh.” Kíli’s face fell. “He was just sitting outside the gates actually. Do you think he was waiting for someone?”  
  
“Or he lives in Dale,” Bilbo suggested gently. “He’s clearly not a stray.”  
  
The cat’s orange fur was thick and free of tangles, and while the animal wasn’t particularly large it had a bit of softness to it that wild cats usually did not. Also, strays tended to protest when a Dwarf bundled them up and brought them into a mountain, or so Bilbo assumed since there’d not really been any mountains in the Shire for anyone to try. Nor any Dwarfs for that matter.  
  
“Take him back to where you found him,” Bilbo said. “He’ll find his way home.”  
  
“Fine,” Kíli sighed, taking the cat from Bilbo; the cat seeming just as pleased to be back into Kíli’s arms as it had been in Bilbo’s. Still purring it rubbed its head against Kíli’s cheek, curling its tail around his arm.  
  
“Why did you think I needed a cat anyway?” Bilbo asked.  
  
Kíli shrugged. “I don’t know, but I saw him and immediately thought of you. He’s about the same colour as your hair is in a sunset. I don’t want to take him away from anyone though. But I didn’t know anyone in the mountain had a cat. I haven’t seen a cat since we left Bree.”  
  
“Maybe he belongs to someone in Bree then,” Bilbo joked. “Just drop him off outside the gates and he’ll be fine. Cats always find their way home.”  
  
-  
  
That evening Bilbo returned to their chambers to find a familiar orange cat curled up in Thorin’s lap.  
  
“Kíli…” Bilbo muttered.  
  
“No, Thorin,” Thorin said, amusement heavy in his voice. “Your husband.”  
  
“Very funny,” Bilbo grouched. “It’s just, I told Kíli to return the cat to where he’d found it. Obviously he didn’t.”  
  
“We’re not keeping him?” Thorin asked, looking down at the ball of happily purring cat. “Shame, I was just beginning to understand the uses of a pet.”  
  
“Getting hair all over your clothes?” Bilbo asked, as a liberate amount of pale hair decorated Thorin’s dark trousers and blue shirt already. “Is Della already sleeping?”  
  
“Dís asked to have her this evening, I hope that’s all right?”  
  
“Of course,” Bilbo said, as he had quickly come to realise that it didn’t matter how much he loved his daughter, it was still rather relaxing to have the occasional night without her. “And Thorn?”  
  
“Apparently the boys collected him earlier.” Thorin huffed out a soft laugh. “They seem to have understood the points of pets without issue.”  
  
“They have their moments,” Bilbo smiled. “And Kíli has apparently also moments of confusion when it comes to what is _outside_ the gates and not inside.”  
  
“If he was to leave it outside the cat could have just followed someone else inside again,” Thorin suggested.  
  
“And found his way into our chambers?” Bilbo shook his head. “I think not. Unless you found him holding a little map? And some sort of tool to open doors with?”  
  
“He was resting on our bed,” Thorin said as he stroked his hand over soft fur. “I thought you had decided that we needed another pet.”  
  
“Seeing as this one is likely to eat Thorn… No, that’s _not_ a good thing,” Bilbo said with a scowl as a thoughtful look appear on his husband’s face. ”Imagine explaining that to Della.”  
  
Thorin sighed. “Point taken. Do you want me to have someone take him to the gates then?”  
  
“Probably for the best, I don’t think we have anything that could work as a litter box.”  
  
“A what?”  
  
Bilbo was beginning to suspect a theme.  
  
-  
  
“I swear I didn’t take the cat back,” Kíli protested during breakfast the next morning. “I didn’t.”  
  
The cat had once more (or so Kíli claimed) been left outside the gates, which was lucky as the boys had brought Thorn with them to breakfast. Hamsters weren’t mice, no, but they were still small and furry and possibly delicious to cats, and Bilbo was really not going to explain that sort of thing to Della. He’d rather get Thorn II and pretend it’d never happened. The cowardly lying way was much preferable compared to explaining to his tiny daughter about death and murder.  
  
“He didn’t,” Fíli agreed. “I would have seen, we practised with Dwalin the entire afternoon. And in the evening we played with Thorn.”  
  
“Then who left him in our chambers?” Bilbo asked. “Cats can’t open doors.”  
  
“And males can’t have babies,” Kíli murmured, mouth now full of food.  
  
“It’s not the same thing. Stop nodding,” he added to Fíli and Thorin who were indeed nodding. “And don’t talk with your mouth full. Why isn’t Dís here helping me.” Not that Dís’ table manners were impeccable, but she at least stuck to throwing things.  
  
“My _ears_ are burning,” Dís called as she swept into the room holding Della on her hip. “Are you talking about me?”  
  
“Help?” Bilbo said.  
  
“Dada!” Della chirped. “Papa!”  
  
“Kíli?” Kíli said hopefully. “Can you say Kíli?”  
  
“Nuh,” Della said, and Kíli’s shoulders drooped.  
  
“She didn’t really tell you that she couldn’t,” Bilbo said patting Kíli on the arm. “Not to say that she can, but that sound is not strictly used to mean no.”  
  
“Mah!” Della agreed. “Feh!”  
  
Fíli perked up. “Did you hear that, she said _my_ name!”  
  
“She did not,” Thorin snorted, opening his arms for his daughter as Dís handed her over. “She said ‘feh’”.  
  
“Elves,” Della protested when Thorin pushed his plate further in on the table so she couldn’t reach it. “Boo.”  
  
Bilbo snickered at the sour expression on Thorin’s face. “That’s only going to stop being funny if King Thranduil overhears her and gets offended. And maybe not even then.”  
  
“He’d probably takes it as a compliment, that vain ba-“  
  
Bilbo cleared his throat.  
  
“-bah bah black sheep,” Thorin sang, making Della clap her hands in delight. “Have you any-?”  
  
“Elves!”  
  
“Behave,” Dís said when both Kíli and Fíli burst out laughing.

-  
  
That afternoon the cat was back again, sitting outside the door to their chambers.  
  
“Something strange is going on here,” Bilbo told the cat sternly. The cat blinked up at him with its big golden eyes, though in the dim light in the hallway they lost some of the gold and turned more yellow. When the Hobbit moved to open the door the cat rose to his feet, tail perkily raised and prepared to go in with him.  
  
“No, no,” Bilbo said. “There is a hamster inside, and I’d prefer it if he stayed _outside_ of your stomach.”  
  
The cat meowed sadly, sitting down again and curling its bushy tail neatly around its paws.  
  
With a sigh Bilbo bent down to pick up the fluffy critter, and the cat happily melted against him, purr rumbling inside its chest like a small thunder cloud.  
  
“We are going to go and see Ori.”  
  
-  
  
“You want me to draw the cat?”  
  
“Someone’s got to be missing it,” Bilbo explained. “It’s clearly tame, so it can’t be a stray. And someone keeps letting it into the mountain, though I have no clue why it keeps ending up outside our chambers. If I can put up a few signs asking if anyone knows it, then maybe the owner will make him- or herself known.”  
  
“Can’t you just write ‘cat’ in very large letters?” Ori asked. “I mean, I’ll do the drawing if you want, but it’s not like there are very many cats around. And writing will be quicker. I don’t even recall seeing a cat before now.” The young Dwarf blinked. “Speaking of, where did the cat go?”  
  
Bilbo looked around. “Well, drat.”  
  
-  
  
The cat was not back outside their chambers, nor inside them, but while he was there Bilbo took a moment to feed Thorn and pet him for a while.  
  
“I’m not letting you get eaten,” Bilbo promised the hamster as it tried to crawl into the big sleeves of his tunic. “Not that this cat seem like the bloodthirsty sort, but I’m not going to take any chances.”  
  
Thorn did not reply, and Bilbo squirmed as the hamster settled in the crook of his arm, fur and whiskers tickling the sensitive skin there. “I said I wouldn’t let it eat you, no need to hide.”  
  
Thorn made a soft grumbling sound and wouldn’t budge even when Bilbo poked at him. Really, the hamsters in the Shire hadn’t been nearly this stubborn, but then again, it could just be a side effect of spending time with Dwarfs.  
  
-  
  
Picking Della up from Balin; leaving the Dwarf’s quarters in a bit more disarray then when Bilbo had left Della with him, the Hobbit continued to the throne room where he was sure to find Thorin. And he did. And he also found the cat, which wasn’t something he had expected.  
  
This time the cat was not curled up in Thorin’s lap, instead it was stretched out over Thorin’s shoulders, either napping or actually sleeping; it was hard to tell with cats. It had likely been there for a while as no one in the room seemed to think it strange. Or perhaps they had simply given up on their King by now.  
  
Bilbo kept telling him that reclaiming Erebor wouldn’t give him a free pass indefinitely, sooner or later the people would realise that their king made some questionable decisions (see: 'crib made of pure gold' for some prime evidence).  
  
When it was noticed that Bilbo had entered the room there was much bowing and happy best wishes for him and the babe, and more than one silly face and smiled greeting to Della, and absolutely _no one_ tried to touch Bilbo’s belly, which probably had something to do with Thorin glaring at anyone who even seemed to entertain the thought about entertaining the thought during the first time around. The cat was spectacularly unbothered by it all, simply snoozing on with its tail curled over Thorin’s neck like a big furry collar.  
  
“Dearest,” Thorin said warmly as they walked up to the throne. “I’m afraid I’m not yet done.”  
  
“Oh, we’re just stopping by to say hello,” Bilbo said. “Interesting choice of shawl you’ve got there.”  
  
“Mah!” Della squeaked, reaching out her arms, wanting to go to Thorin. Or rather to the cat it would show, because as Thorin settled her into his lap she immediately started petting its tail, making the cat wake up with a slightly startled meep.  
  
It looked curiously down on the little girl, then at Thorin as if comparing, or to ask if people really came in so tiny sizes? Meanwhile Della was completely enamoured with the tail and paid no attention to the rest of the cat.  
  
Bilbo laughed. “Apparently our daughter shares your appreciation for this cat. I wonder if poor Thorn is going to be thrown aside.”  
  
“If the tail comes off, perhaps so,” Thorin said. “I think perhaps she believes that the tail is just another hamster. It’s certainly furry enough.”  
  
Bilbo glanced back at the assembled Dwarfs, hoping that they weren’t too upset about the interruption, but what he found was only soft looks aimed at Della, and some awed look at his belly, even though he’d just barely begun to show. Even so, he didn’t wish to disturb them and Thorin unduly.  
  
“As I said we were just saying hello, so I think we should be going again.”  
  
“I will see you in a few hours,” Thorin promised.  
  
"Boo," Della complained when she had to stop petting the cat's tail as Bilbo gathered her back up again.  
  
“Please don’t bring the cat,” Bilbo said. “I’ve asked Ori to help me find whoever could be its owners, but before that happens I do not wish for Thorn to get eaten.”  
  
“But after would be fine?”  
  
“You know very well what I mean.”  
  
-  
  
“My daughter is cuddling with a rodent,” Thorin said in a surly tone of voice.  
  
“Oh, shush,” Bilbo said. “Look how adorable they are.”  
  
Della was lying on her side in the middle of their bed, her hair spread out over the sheet in shiny waves, and curled up in under her arm, against her side was Thorn.  
  
“He will make a nest in her hair,” Thorin muttered.  
  
“I would think he’s saving himself for your glorious locks, O’ King,” Bilbo said drily.  
  
“Glorious are they?” Thorin asked, arching one eyebrow.  
  
“Worthy of a statue I’m sure,” Bilbo agreed, laughing quietly when Thorin mock-growled and carefully swept him up into his arms.

Thorin was then at a bit of a loss for what to do seeing as their bed was already occupied, but Bilbo directed him to the washing room, feeling in the mood for a bath, and perhaps other things as well.

“Nori, you’ll keep an eye on her won’t you?” Bilbo said over his shoulder, and over Thorin’s as well.  
  
“Sure thing,” their dresser said.

-

After a month of sudden cat-appearances it was quite clear that no one seemed to be missing him.  
  
They’d put up the notices in all corners of Erebor, but no one had come forward. And no one from Dale seemed to know the cat either. And the same was true about Lake-town when Bilbo finally made someone ride over there to ask. In fact, most of the Men didn’t even seem to understand the concept of cats, believing it to be a very misshapen dog.  
  
All this meant that Kíli claimed that the cat belonged with them since Bilbo had said that cats always found their way home, and he named it Bill.   
  
The explanation for this made possibly even less sense than 'Thorn' had made.  
  
-  
  
“It’s sort of the same as Thorn? Part a weapon and part something else.”  
  
“Explain,” Bilbo requested.  
  
“Well, do you know what a billhook is?” When Bilbo shook his head Kíli hummed thoughtfully. “I can go and get one from the armoury I guess.”  
  
“I think we’ll manage without,” Bilbo said drily. “So a _bill_ is a weapon, and…?”  
  
“A bill can be written note, like all those posters you made us put up. And he sounds a bit like a pigeon when he purrs and pigeons have bills?” When Bilbo looked sceptical Kíli hurriedly added. “Bofur wanted to call him Fragh. He said that such a good name should be used. So I had to think of something quick.”  
  
“But he wanted _Della_ to be named Fragh.”  
  
“Exactly?”  
  
“But Della is a girl.”  
  
“And she’s not a cat,” Kíli nodded. “I always knew you were the smart one here.”  
  
“But you can’t name a cat, a _male_ cat, the same name you’d-“

“ _Bofur_.”  
  
“-would have given my daughter.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
Bilbo blinked.  
  
-  
  
Fine, sometimes Dwarfs actually did have the right idea of how to go about things, even if those ideas didn't seem sensible at first. But it wasn’t often!  
  
-

There were strict rules put in place to stop the cat and the hamster from appearing in the same room at the same time. And for a while that worked out pretty well. Hey, it’d been fine for an entire month, and it was fine for a few weeks more, until Thorn apparently developed a death wish and kept sneaking out of his cage at every opportunity.

The day Thorn escaped his cage with Bill only a room away was utterly nerve-wracking. Especially when they couldn't localise hamster or cat for hours.  
  
Thorin swore that Bill had been lying by the fireplace in the receiving room (a respectable distance away from the fireplace of course as the cat had no intentions to have the orange in his fur be a more fiery colour) but he’d not been there when Bilbo noticed that there was all of a sudden a lack of hamsters in the cage.

What followed wasn’t a particularly enjoyable afternoon. Della was collected by Bofur, leaving the rest of them free to search for the missing furballs, but to no result, and Bilbo got more and more worried, which naturally made Thorin more and more worried, and more and more prone to tell Bilbo to calm down. And the more he told Bilbo to calm down, the more Bilbo didn’t calm down.  
  
“Thorin, darling, love of my life, _shut up_.”

Fíli and Kíli exchanged a look and Fíli then snagged Bilbo and Kíli snagged Thorin and dragged them off to look for the missing animals in parts of Erebor that were nowhere near each other.

In the end no one found Thorn and Bill, they pretty much found themselves, as much as you can find yourself considering how they probably would not have agreed that they were lost in the first place.  
  
Bilbo and Fíli were on their way back to Bilbo' and Thorin’s chambers to check one more time beneath the bed and inside the closets when they saw a familiar orange ball of fuzz wander out from a nearby hallway. Bill looked extremely pleased with himself, tail straight up and almost vibrating with excitement, ears perked, and his gait had a certain kind of prance to it.  
  
Bilbo had just enough time to fear that Bill was happy because he had discovered that hamsters were delicious when he notice a very familiar brown fur ball hanging on to the cat’s back. Yes, Thorn was holding on to the shaggy hair at Bill’s nape, not being the least bit eaten.

“Bill!” Fíli called and the cat stopped, tail curling into a confused crook for a moment before he turned his head and noticed the Dwarf and Hobbit. As he did so, the tail immediately perked back up again and he made a very delighted meow and headed towards them. He was less in favour of Bilbo immediately picking Thorn off his back and holding him at a safe distance away from teeth and claws.  
  
When Fíli picked him up in turn the cat cheered up some, but he twisted in the blond Dwarf’s arms until he could see the now grumpy looking hamster.  
  
Bilbo paid little mind to Thorn being grumpy; he was grumpy a lot of the time, and hurriedly inspected the hamster for any signs of almost being eaten. When he couldn’t find any, he _finally_ calmed down.  
  
-  
  
A week later, it happened again. Almost the exact same thing, only this time it was Nori and Bofur who found the two animals sunning themselves out on the battlements, Thorn still not being eaten.  
  
-  
  
When it happened for a third time, only three days after the second, Bilbo gave up. He talked to the kitchens to make sure that Bill would always have all the food he could want and thereby be less inclined to nibble on hamsters, and he had a talk with Nori, because if two animals could roam around Erebor as they pleased that really didn’t say good things about security now did it?  
  
-  
  
“Maybe Bill is magical?” Kíli suggested one evening as they were having dinner together. Not just Bilbo, Thorin, Dís and the boys, but everyone in the company and Dís and Della.  
  
“Magical?” Ori asked.  
  
“He keeps disappearing,” Kíli explained. “Maybe he can walk through walls? Because after the first time I wasn’t the one who let him inside the mountain, and all the times he and Thorn escaped, who opened the doors then?”  
  
“And where did he come from?” Fíli asked. “The Men have no cats, there are no other cats in the mountain, but here he is.”  
  
“Oh, and have you seen his eyes?” Kíli asked, his own growing wider with excitement. “They look green in some lights, yellow in others, and then golden in some. Maybe Gandalf sent him and he really is a magical cat?”  
  
“Maybe there’s more than one cat?” Bofur suggested. “And that’s why he can show up in unexpected places?”  
  
“All wearing the collar I requested to be made?” Thorin asked drily. “If so I’m very interested in how this cat can duplicate gemstones and leather. That seems like a useful skill indeed.”

“What if…” Glóin frowned. “What if it’s Smaug that has come back in the shape of a cat? The golden eyes… how he kept showing up in Erebor.”  
  
Thorin was the first to start laughing, followed by Dís, and Della (who always laughed when other people did because laughing was fun and there should be more of it) and Bilbo had to gently rub Thorin on the back when his husband laughed hard enough to lose his breath.  
  
“I’m sorry, Glóin,” Thorin said, wiping a stray tear of mirth from the corner of his eyes. “But Bill is not a dragon in disguise. I’ve rarely seen a creature less interested in gold than he is.”  
  
“He’s likes resting on Thorin’s stomach and purring,” Bilbo said with a smile. “And while I do consider my husband to be a treasure-“ soppy looks were exchanged, as were exasperated looks between Fíli and Kíli – “I’m not sure that counts.”  
  
“He’s not even _trying_ to eat Thorn,” Dís said with an eye roll. “I’m not seeing how that would lead anyone thinking that he’s a cruel dragon.”  
  
“He liked the golden beads we put on his tail that time,” Kíli pointed out. “He pranced around like Fíli does when he’s got a new tunic. Hey, it’s true!” Kíli protested when Fíli apparently kicked him beneath the table.

“Be that as it may, and don’t think I don’t know you did it to tease him,” Thorin said, eyes narrowing. “The cat I mean,” he added, and Fíli deflated from the huff of righteousness he’d begun to build up to when he thought that Thorin would take his side. “The cat is not a dragon. And _don’t_ put beads on him, he might try and eat one and choke on it. Or Della might if you leave them lying around.”  
  
“Mah!” Della agreed, waving her spoon around and accidentally flinging some mashed potato at Dwalin who stoically didn’t say a word, and just wiped it off.  
  
“He’s almost tripped me in the stairs a bunch of times?” Bofur shrugged. “I mean, I don’t think he means it, but it’s one point in the dangerous column.”  
  
“Hee!” Della said and _purposefully_ flung some more mashed potato at Dwalin. “Boo,” she added when Bilbo took her spoon.

In the end, it was decided that wherever Bill had come from, he was welcome to stay as long as it didn’t lead to a sudden lack of hamsters, and/or an attempt to steal all the gold in Erebor.  
  
-  
  
Time went fast, as time have a tendency to do every now and again, but Bilbo hoped that his time and his little one’s time didn’t run at different speeds. As he entered into his fifth month of pregnancy Bilbo rather felt as if it was the seventh, and the idea of having to carry for as long as five months more wasn’t a pleasant one.  
  
“I’m starting to suspect there might be two in here,” Bilbo said to Óin who only snorted.  
  
"That's just not possible, laddie. I think it's just your babe is Dwarf-sized, and Della was Hobbit-sized, is all. Or perhaps you’re just further along than you thought, that happens sometimes.”  
  
“It’s _certainly_ possible to have two,” Bilbo huffed. “My mother had eleven siblings and trust me, Grandmother didn’t just squeeze them out one at the time. Or well, she did, but some in a much closer-“  
  
“Eleve- she was one out of _twelve_ siblings?”  
  
Bilbo refrained from complimenting Óin on his counting skills, but just barely.  
  
“Yes, and while it’s a little higher than the average there are some who have even more.”  
  
The record was said to be thirty but that had sort of been cheating as three people had been involved, and when all three are able to bear well of course chances were higher for them to end up with a lots of children. Though thirty seemed like a very big number to Bilbo. Sometimes it was hard enough with just one, and a Fíli and a Kíli. But then again, the two latter probably got into trouble enough for at least twenty Hobbits.  
  
With a sigh Bilbo pulled his shirt up from his trousers. “Will you at least have a feel? I know it’s a bit early, but maybe…”  
  
Still looking a bit stunned Óin nodded and rubbed his hands together to warm them (which Bilbo greatly appreciated). “Aye, of course, but there’s not even a word for twin in Khuzdul.”  
  
“Yes, Thorin told me that the first time I expected.”  
  
“You thought you were having two then as well and didn’t tell me?” Óin looked disapprovingly at Bilbo.  
  
“No, I didn’t think I would have two seeing as how I wasn’t this big!” Bilbo protested. “Not this quickly anyway.”  
  
Óin huffed and placed careful hands on Bilbo’s stomach and gently started to feel for a head. “I’ll be having words with that husband of yours.”  
  
“Your _king_?” Bilbo asked pointedly.  
  
“It’s not my king who fails to inform me of Hobbits who break all sorts of rules. _Aha_!” Óin exclaimed. “There’s the head.”

“Keep going,” Bilbo prompted.  
  
“I still say that Della was just hobbit-sized and this one-“  
  
Óin froze, his eyes wide.  
  
“Has two heads?” Bilbo asked sardonically. “Yes, that seems more likely, I’m sure.”

-  
  
When he got back to their chambers; having left a still frozen Óin, he found Thorin and Della on the bed, Della snuggled up on Thorin’s chest, both of them snoring softly even though it was early afternoon still. Thorn’s cage was decidedly empty and no cat was to be seen either.

“Oh bother it,” Bilbo mumbled and joined his family. By now it was blatantly obvious that Thorn and Bill were fine on their own and it had been somewhat of a long day. A nap sounded just fine.

-  
  
“Dada!”  
  
Bilbo opened his eyes to find his daughter’s beaming face only inches away. “Hello my little carrot.”  
  
“Don’t call her that,” Thorin murmured, not bothering to open his own eyes. “How did it go with Óin?”  
  
A slow smile spread itself over Bilbo’s face as he casually replied: “Just fine.”  
  
He, a bit awkwardly, sat up against the headboard and gathered Della into his arms to press a kiss to her head. “Good news, even.”  
  
“You’re further along than you thought?” A sleepy blue eye blinked open, and a warm hand touched Bilbo’s back.  
  
Bilbo chuckled and shook his head. “No.”  
  
“Dada!” Della demanded, wiggling to be allowed to get down on the floor, and after a quick check that no beads or any other choking hazards were to be seen, Bilbo let her down. Her walking was still coming along, but there was fewer and fewer attempts that ended with her on her behind, and less and less grumpy mutterings when she did fall.  
  
“Then what goods news had Óin to give you?” Thorin asked, raising himself up on his elbow to look up at Bilbo. Bilbo’s smile grew wider.  
  
“Let’s put it like this, if Nori has made another betting pool on if I’m having a boy or a girl, it’s quite possible that he’s going to be in a world of problem.”  
  
Thorin blinked. And then blinked again. “You, you mean-”  
  
“I don’t mean that it’s going to be one babe that’s a bit of each,” Bilbo said and nudged Thorin’s side with his toes. “So then I must mean…?”

“You- we,” Thorin’s elbow suddenly didn’t seem able to hold his weight and Bilbo snickered as the majestic King under the Mountain collapsed into a undignified pile of confusion.  
  
“I’m already this big because Óin could feel two heads,” Bilbo said, reaching down to brush a few strands of dark hair away from his husband’s face.  
  
“You’re having twins?” Thorin’s eyes were so big and so blue and Bilbo’s smile grew wide enough to make his cheeks hurt.  
  
“ _We_ ’re having twins.”  
  
-  
  
“No, there will be absolutely _no_ statues.”  
  
-  
  
Instead of a perpetually cheerful cat Bilbo started to find other things outside their chambers. Usually it was flowers, often slightly wilted as they hadn't been given any water, and the occasional toys and jewellery. There was always two of everything.

“Our people are showing you their appreciation,” Thorin said proudly when Bilbo asked what was going on. “They send the items with the guards, because we can’t have the entire population of-“  
  
“The _entire_ population?” Bilbo raised an eyebrow, because there hadn't been that many flowers.  
  
“You’ve still got months left,” Thorin said. “Give them time.”  
  
Bilbo shook his head. “Have it yet occurred to your people that if they went to the Shire and courted then perhaps they would end up with a Hobbit of their own?”  
  
“I’m going to tell the guards to give the poor flowers water when they drop them off,” Bilbo added when Thorin seemed incapable of replying. Kissing the corner of his husband’s open mouth (even slack-jawed and stunned looked unfairly good on Thorin) Bilbo walked (yes walked, _not_ waddled, thank you very much) away to find the nearest guard.  
  
Perhaps he also needed to put a ban on picking flowers or the landscape would end up as barren as Smaug had left it years before.

-  
  
That night Bilbo also penned a letter to the Thain should he soon find the Shire overrun by bright-eyed Dwarfs clutching wilted flowers. At least he would be a bit familiar with the concept since Óin had received a large pack of herbs that he’d been cooing over ever since.  
  
-

When Bill started to sleep the days away, even more than he usually did, Bilbo got a bit worried. Thorin on the other hand got very worried and demanded that Óin would figure out what was wrong with the cat.  
  
“I have no idea how cats work!” Óin protested. “Especially not ones who might be magical dragons in disguise.”  
  
“He’s just a cat,” Thorin growled. “Heal him.”  
  
“ _I’m_ not magical either!”  
  
-  
  
Since nothing really seemed to be wrong with Bill; apart from sleeping more he ate as ravenously as usual, purred as strongly as ever, and cuddled with everyone; including Thorn, as often as he could. So as with almost everything else related to the cat it was decided to just leave it for now and see what happened.  
  
Then came the morning when Bilbo and Thorin woke up to a lot of excited meeping.  
  
-  
  
At first Bilbo though that Bill had somehow found catnip again even though it had been banned from the mountain after the _incident_.  
  
(Someone had included some catnip into the flowers left for Bilbo (now brought inside their chambers, in neat arrangements in a vase, with water) and when Bill had found them he’d spent the next while running loops around the floor, the bed, the rest of the furniture; all the while meowing excitedly, and just when it seemed as if he’d start on the ceiling he abruptly fell asleep in a boneless pile.  
  
He’d not even stirred when Thorn had come along to nudge him and the hamster had sniffed grumpily and wandered off to sulk.)  
  
But as they got out of bed that morning, it was soon made clear that there was no catnip involved in what was going on.  
  
-  
  
“I keep telling you, _magic_!” Kíli said, pointing down at the cat curled around a multitude of tiny hamsters pups. “Magic, magic, magic!”  
  
Thorn made a dismissive noise and nudged his little nose against Bill’s.  
  
“Are you sure it was the cat who had them?” Óin asked sceptically and Bilbo snorted.  
  
“Yes, we arrived in the middle of it. I thought Thorn was going to gnaw our toes off when we wouldn’t leave them alone."

-  
  
They decided not to question it, for now.  
  
In fact Bilbo _really_ didn’t appreciate anyone questioning it because, as he said, he knew what it felt like not to be believed when it came to something like giving birth. But the next time Gandalf came around for a visit, there _would_ be questions asked, no doubt about it.  
  
Della was ecstatic over the many new tiny cuties and perhaps as a result of that suddenly learnt a whole bunch of new words, amongst others: hamster, baby and magic.  
  
The sight of her sitting patiently on the floor as the tiny pups crawled all over her never failed to make Bilbo teary eyed, and he kept blaming it on being overly emotional, which no one really believed at this point seeing as babe(s) or not, he usually was the most emotionally stable person around. After Balin at least.  
  
-

Kíli was not allowed to name the pups. And neither was Bofur. And everyone vetoed Bilbo’s suggestions of naming them all after flowers.  
  
So in the end, they were all named after gemstones, because frankly Bilbo felt like anything was better than running the risk of something _worse_ being suggested.  
  
There were thirteen of them in total, and Bilbo thought that it was a bit unfair how it hadn’t even shown on Bill that he was expecting. Then again having children that you could fit several of in the palm of your hand didn’t seem like a good idea either. Still.

Entering his seventh month, Bilbo felt big enough to risk not fitting in the doorways. He made the mistake of saying so to Thorin who immediately offered to make every doorway in the mountain as big as Bilbo would want. Yeah.  
  
The prospect of having two new children certainly didn't make Thorin twice as concerned as he’d been when they’d expected Della, no. It meant that he was roughly _four_ times as concerned, but as Bilbo could admit that carrying two was a bit more work than just one (just the amount of wriggling that was going on inside of him was sometimes enough to keep him up at night, and that was entirely leaving out how he needed to go to the water closet once every hour or so as there was apparently no room left inside of him to store liquids) it wasn’t as much of a mess as it could have been.  
  
It was rather nice to be pampered, even if Thorin’s offer of carrying him everywhere was plainly silly.  
  
-  
  
Thorin had refused to leave Bilbo’s side once the eighth month came around, letting Dís and Fíli run the kingdom without him, and as Bilbo literally couldn’t even get out of bed without help, it was much appreciated. He did occasionally wobble down into the throne room when Thorin’s opinion was needed, but constantly having to tell Thorin, and everyone else who saw him, that he was perfectly fine to walk – his feet were still attached to him even though it’d been a while since he could see them – got old very fast and he preferred to spend his days reading and writing, and playing with Della and the pets.

Della was somewhat miffed about Bilbo not being able to pick her up, but as long as Thorin was around to do so it was all right.  
  
Unfortunately she’d also taken a page out of Thorn’s and Bill’s book and turned into somewhat of an escape artist, though thankfully she didn't have whatever Bill had that allowed him to open doors, and she was much too short to open them the regular way. Still, Nori was ordered not to let her out of his sight as soon as she left their chambers.  
  
-  
  
When the babes finally decided to come it was in the middle of the night and Bilbo found himself bundled up and carried to Óin almost before he’d finished his sleepy murmur to Thorin.  
  
“But Della,” he protested into Thorin’s neck.  
  
“One of the guards will get her,” Thorin said. “Don’t worry.”  
  
“Darling, do you realise that you’re the last person in the world who should tell anyone not to worry? Ow,” Bilbo added when a particularly intense contraction came.  
  
“Are you in pain? Is something wrong? _Guards_! Bring Óin!”  
  
“It was just a contraction,” Bilbo sighed. “And you just proved my point.”  
  
-  
  
Hair going every which way Óin was nonetheless awake and met them as they entered the halls of healing.  
  
“Not holding out for nine months this time?” he asked Bilbo as Thorin gently put him down on a prepared bed.  
  
“Apparently not,” Bilbo said, wincing as another contraction hit him. “And it feels like this is going to be a quick one.”  
  
-  
  
It was. But it was still not what any of them had expected.  
  
-  
  
To their credit neither Thorin nor Óin fainted until _after_ the third babe had been born and cleaned, wrapped in cloth and safely tucked against Bilbo’s side so he could curl his arms around them all.  
  
“Well, this was a bit unexpected,” Bilbo told his three youngest. “No wonder I felt like I’d eaten a barrow of watermelons.”  
  
“Uuuuuhrm,” Thorin said from the floor.  
  
-  
  
When Bilbo and Thorin finally got back to their chambers it was almost not possible for them to walk inside for all the flowers and-  
  
“Is that a statue of me _naked_?” Bilbo asked horrified. "And with three breasts?"

**Author's Note:**

> If you survived this, you need to read mine and diemarysues cathamster series if you've not already seen it.
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/series/68461
> 
> Oh, and middle-earth hamsters live a lot longer than they do in our world because I said so.
> 
> Seen any spelling mistakes or other weirdness, please tell me :)


End file.
